22nd Feb, 2010

dear NLA,

i feel like losing you..i miss reading ur mails..
do let me know if u are okay, i wouldnt want much from you. I just hope u r doing well. its has been 2 days. and yet ur still missing. im worried to death. i cant even sleep to think that something bad might happen to you. I miss my dearest companion to talk to, to spill everything i want. I miss everything about you.

if u dont want to talk to me anymore, just tell ur friends that u r okay. and let Ken tells me that u r okay. Im still cool with that as long as i hear from you..

i know things have been complicated and all messed up for you..im sorry if i only made it worst.

i pray that you are doing well thre, Nad.

xoxo.
AAI

I keep a notebook by my bed so when I can't sleep, I write until my eyes get heavy, or I run out of things to say. Whichever comes first. I keep it there for the times I wake up in the middle of the night and don't want to forget the dream I was just before having. (No matter how rare that may be.) I keep it there for when my blog is far from reach but inspiration is not. I often fall asleep with a pen in my hand and shiny, bright colored ink coating my fingertips and sheets. I figure the feeling I wake up to the smell of ink that it must be what a painter would be to feel like if he fell asleep with his canvas full of life, and a blooming rainbow of colors flooding around him. I hand craft sentence to project my thoughts onto paper and maybe you wont understand, but each letter deserves a standing ovation for it's starring roll in each word. It's hard to describe to someone who doesn't realize that words are art, but they are, and it's beautiful, and nothing in the world could make me more happy.

Taki : Do u still miss her?
Me : Yes, I am.
Taki : What makes thing special about her?
Me : Something that i can’t ever gain with anyone. But the reality is
I must move on.

I do miss you “MOMO”

Quality Time

This morning i'm not working and i'm spending my quality time talking to both of them.

I miss your guys. Especially my Ms. Motivator.

wolves in sheep's clothing

I find myself in a weird state of mind today. Working a really weird schedule that has me working all hours of the day\night with different days on and off. Somedays I don't know if I'm coming or going. As I saw the beams of light shooting out over my neighbors house I thought of them as rays of hope. Like God was giving me another sign that I shouldn't worry about things during this season of my life. With all things, this will pass. I believe it. I also am finding out that some of my so called friends are wolves in sheep's clothing. Some are not what they appear. Some run their mouth and speak of the word but I have to wonder if they are but fools just giving me lip service.

I know in my heart and soul what is right. I have been pondering my next steps in life and Photography themes are coming to light. I love to draw\draft that's a new thing that i've discover but actually discovered by my only brother - Nadime .Maybe a new path in positive environmental impacts is my new future. I'm being urge by Nadime to undergo this course
LEED certification - (Leadership In Energy and Environmental Design) he said it's extra
bonus for my new job.

I'm burning my hectic day by having a long conversation with Ms. Motivator thru MSN.
She does make me laugh thru the conversation. All the conversation was just perfect without involving any feelings. Thank You Ms. Motivator.

New Lesson

My "motivator friend" doing what she loves to do, writing a book. She's young but she's highly mature than me. I get to know her from 1st visit in Aus. She's motivate me in many way even especially during my sickness and i am really bless with that. In life, you find that sometimes you have to step out on a ledge, take a leap of faith and other times you are forced to do things you don't particularly want to do or deal with. I have been thinking about a good friend of mine whose mother is in Hospice care. It is never an easy thing to deal with, knowing that your parents or parent is getting older and their health is failing. I will also have to deal with this issue at some point in my life and after I thought about it for a while I questioned how I would handle it. To be honest with you, I'm not sure. I do know that it will be difficult and one of the toughest things I will ever have to do.

After my lesson with Robertson, I photographed him just flying around at the beach. During my lesson I thought how important it was to listen to everything he said because your life depended on it. Difficult at first, but through time, it can be mastered. I also know it is like that with everything in life. Photography, relationships, births, deaths and even jobs. I put the cameras back in my hands and felt at home. Just as he did as he popped that glider right up, turned into the wind and took off out over the ocean. It was awesome. What a feeling, to fly.
Yes we all have wings, just some of us don't know why.

Went to canberra - I got the job! I got the job!

Endless Rejection

Be good to yourself , be good to others. Find out what makes you happy in life and do it. My brain has been in a fog of endless rejection letters or over qualified\under qualified emails as of late, yet I forge ahead. I have purpose and I have skills. My 5 year spinnings & photographys plan for my business may have been too aggressive. Time for a revision to that plan. Time to market more and get my work out there. But I also know that I have to be realistic and let it build through time. In the mean time, I multi-task and continue to bust through the jobs boards applying for what I can do for others and hope that some employers realizes I can make a difference in their business.

I find that if you do the same as others you follow. If you march to the beat of your own drum you will be followed. Some may throw things, some may dance and sing along, some may talk you down, but yet they will follow...So, for now,

let it begin.

ASPAH AINI ISHAK

I don't even know how to start this particular blog. Should i apologize? or just let it blown by itself?

Dearest : AAI.
You've been in my heart this few months, and you are apart of my life
those few months. By now you should now. How i react?. But i don't blame you.

We are sooo apart from each other even a few months ago we are " ONE" in our heart. We even can sense each other feelings even we not together and we had a so called border a thousand miles. But those was a few months ago.

About all those messages. It's not me that sent it to you. I never would downgrade my self and insult my feelings that i have towards you. Why should i?. I can just spill all the bad things and make it as a reason to break-up with you. But by now it's not even important as both of us drifting away. By now i believe any explanation just not importance anymore.

For you to know: I am remembering you as a good thing that ever happened in my life.

from the orphanage.

Attracts

Ask, believe, and get ready to receive. Not a hard concept at all, but not everyone understands the law of attractions. Happy people attract other happy people. Positive attracts positive. But do not forget that negative attracts more negative also. (stay away from that)You have to make things happen in your life. You have to ask for it. You have to believe it and in it, really believe. Then you have to receive it. The secret to life is not as hard as you make it out to be sometimes. Never give up and believe in yourself. I have so much to be thankful for and I have a lot of good things heading my way. Just like this morning going to the beach. It was later than usual. I saw how bright it was and the clouds moving and said, I'm going to the beach anyway. Sure enough, as soon as I got down there, the clouds moved over the sun so I could get another incredible shot. 3 min later it was so bright again, you couldn't see anything. Take that chance, step out over the ledge and jump with a smile on your face.

This one goes out to Bill, the fisherman I spoke with this morning.

To Someone: I never regrets attracted to you virtually. I am never.

I am happy

The feeling of love is so terrifying and exciting at the same time. Feeling something so powerful but being so out of control of that feeling. Sometimes it's wonderful, and comes at the right moment and sometimes it flies in at the worst time possible and you find yourself upside down and unable to right yourself. Either way, it's powerful, and either way you have to decide which direction to turn to. Pursue or walk. There's no in between, and despite being under the false illusion that there may be, there really is no "safe" place inside any of that. When you walk you feel small, insignificant, and incredibly lonely. When you pursue it you feel alive and important, yet still so incredibly lonely. It doesn't make any sense, but it is what it is. And when you figure that out, you are free.

Bad things happen to good people, and good people move on.

I think it's crazy that no matter how many movies have the same ending they can still be amazing. Even if you can completely guess what the ending will be, you can still watch without being bored because so much in the middle is completely different. It blows my mind.

I had fun today. I got sunburnt but I was so happy all day and it was beautiful.
Now though, I just want to sleep for a few days and forget a few aspects of life that are completely stressing me out. I don't need that right now. I wan't that stuff to turn it's back on me and leave me alone so I can have a peaceful life with no drama and no pain. Just sun, swimming, happiness, and only people I care about.
That is exactly what I am longing for.

I am more happier now.

meaningless message

To whom it may concern. I'm away for a surgery.
Hopefully we will meet again in here.

We stared on the same moon, remember?... take care ya!
Stargazer.

We so often walk by, not taking a second glance. On what we consider to be another chance.Oh, how I wish that things could be different between you and I, another life another time I count the days gone by.
I know in my heart that God has plans for all of us, we need to stop and look for signs. He wants us to interact, participate and to intertwine.
As we grow older, and somewhat wiser, our eyes are opened to what really matters. Not our look, but our outlook, OK maybe we all get a little fatter. Ha Ha!
As I reflected upon my life this morning, up from the dunes, I have to smile as I listen to "The girl on the moon" (by Foreigner) on my iTunes.

I remember as a youth dreaming of what my life would be like, all those trips into town, time to think as I rode my bike.As I got older and finally got my car, out drinking with friends, playing out what our maker has written in my life book, I found out a man with friends can go far.

Funny, my life, it really has turned out to be more than I ever expected it could be. Oh to win the lottery, rich and no worries. But I am finding out that my wealth is not monetary but a combination of the people in my life, the people who truly know my heart, with them, I never want to be apart.

So in closing, I want to extend a hand of friendship, love and human compassion to all of those people I know and love with all my heart, that they too will find what I found, a feeling of joy in my soul, a burning love to be around them, and a smile on my face that they too know when I see them, my eyes talk without saying a word, my smile says I love you my friend...

Sometimes we don't have to speak a word, because the message is loud and clear but only needs to be heard.

I found new LOVE. It's sort of motivation and i realised that i love her.
J.A I love u

Selfishtrots!!

Am realizing many things as of late. One is to have confidence in yourself and your abilities.
Two, don't let anyone ever tell you that you are useless or not good enough.

I've been listening to this songs for a while, it dawned on me last night when he sang the lyrics " Hey world what you say, should I stick around for another day (or two).
Don't give up on me, I won't give up on you.
Just believe in me like I believe in you".

It is so true, don't give up. Not everything in life is handed to us.
Sometimes we have to fight for it, or understand it, and maybe even recognize what it is that God intended us to be doing in this lifetime. Dont takes things for granted, no one owes you anything and if you want something bad enough, YOU have to make it happen.
Live life people. I find it really awesome that I can talk with so many people from so many countries from my skype.

I've been in skype today from 11.00 a.m right to 02.00 p.m waiting and hoping, waiting and hoping again that she will be there. But she's not. I am praying to god, that she will be allright.

I 've being selfish yesterday to break up on her sweet 24th birthday. I know i shouldn't do that. But i just don't want her to forget about us or to be exact on ME. as i'm afraid that everything will fade away. I'm hoping that she still remember me on her every birthday even it's not in a good way.

I love you, I do!

All the doors open

Schedules, interactions, all the doors are open, all the doors are closed, tide is in, tide is out. Nothing is ever as it seems. Things in life don't always go according to plan, this I know.

I find that feast or famine is a way of life and that I need to know that when the feast comes to put away so that the famine won't be as bad. I have been taking life one day at time. This is a new idea for me that others have been practicing for years. I have a few decisions to make in the near future and have been praying I make the appropriate one. Some are career related choices, others are lifestyle changes, while the rest are everyday modifications. I miss writing in my blog, but have been terribly busy job hunting and working crazy shifts, trying to balance it all. One day at a time I tell myself. All doors are open at this time, which one shall I choose?

Hopefully the right one.

Reminder for Me = True what her x said, what with the status?, engaged or get married or in a relationship in FB Status. It's not gonna change anything as i'm nt there with her. I really hope she's understand why i'm doing this to her and my self.

Space = Popo's Home

Mood = Missing badly.